The Definitive Guide to Manic Moms

Man'ic: adj. characterized by frenzy, uncontrolled by reason

Archive for What Manic Moms Hate

Actions: Responding to The Man Plan

Here’s something every manic mother knows: NEVER let a man make a child-related plan with other people.  If he does, it’s known as “The Man Plan” and includes one or more of the following elements:

1) It’s inefficient.

2) It creates a scheduling conflict.

3) It doesn’t take into account the feelings or desires of one or more children.

4) It involves having to relate way to many details to the man/men in question.

5) It makes more work for the women involved because it has to be discussed and reorganized.

There are three primary manic mom techniques for responding to a Man Plan:  

Passive aggressive polite:  Women who have to deal with a Man Plan don’t want to appear ungrateful or angry, so they tentatively mention possible problems, but claim that “it’s really not a problem” to execute the plan.  Men hear this and think “Great!” Manic mothers know this is code for “This is really a problem. Who the hell came up with this idea?” 

Pretend ignorance: This response to the man plan just ignores it completely. “Oh, I didn’t know he said that! Ha, that’s funny.  Moving right along…”

Aggressive aggressive:  “No. This way is MUCH better…”

Symptom: Driving as a Competitive Sport

In manic mom culture driving is a badge of honor.  Manic mothers experience the equivalent of a round trip, cross-country drive every seven days. (This does not include weekend travel sports driving, which can involve spouses/ex-spouses. )  Typically, daily driving starts in earnest at roughly 8:15 am and ends at or about 7:45 pm.  A minimum of three hours and three stops is a basic requirement. Without excessive driving dedicated to her children’s enrichment, a woman cannot qualify as truly, deeply manic.

Driving as A Competitive Sport includes several Types of Drivers:

The Good Mother:  This early stage is made up of mothers who drive everywhere all afternoon and weekend, because to leave their children for any time at all, especially if it involves endangering their lives by putting them in other peoples’ cars, is unacceptable.   Letting other people drive them is also clearly a form of neglect.  After all, what are the sacrifices for, if not to be with your children every possible minute?   In this stage, mothers try  to make the most of drive time.  Expressions like “quality time with the kids,”  “great book on tape,” and “learning a foreign language” are dead give aways that a woman is in The Good Mother Driving stage.  Also popular are “mobile office,”  and “thinking time.”   See “Everything is Great.” In Stage One women don’t actually realize they’re in a competition.

The Pissed Off, Resentful Mother: It can take a while to transition from Stage One to Stage Two, but it is almost inevitable.  These are mothers who want to support their children’s interest, want to carpool, but can’t get organized and don’t want to impose on others. So, they drive, but resent it.  Bitter grumblings include phrases such as “Can you believe this? I’ve been in this car for 6 hours!” or “Dinner? You must be joking! You’re joking, right?”  and “Oh my f**king God!”  Manic mothers in Stage Two begin to sense the competitive nature of the sport when they realize not all mothers feel the way they do.

The Deer-In-Headlight Mother: These mothers are completely panic stricken. They binge e-mail to arrange carpools and are so overwhelmed by dates, times and logistics that they can’t keep anything straight, thereby exponentially increases the volume of driving-related communications. These women are inexperienced and possibly in the throes of a nervous breakdown.  This stage is a necessary prerequisite to Stage 5. 

The Fringe Mother: These women technically are not manic.  They are happy to participate in carpools, but let the panic-stricken-binge-email moms organize.

And, finally, The Guru Driving Goddess: Mothers who arrange carpools, but don’t actually drive. In order to reach this stage of manic mother nirvana, you have to have been every type of mother listed above.  Pay Attention To These Women, they have a GIFT or, a special skill depending on your perspective:  they manage to get other manic mothers to drive for them. They kinow its a sport and they win!

Symptom: Out-of-Scale Hatred of Lice

Despite the fact that all humans are at all times covered from head to toe by microscopic organisms (otherwise known as bugs) all good manic mothers will go to ANY lengths to eradicate lice since, even though everyone denies it, lice must mean that you are a BAD mother and that you are to blame if your child has a nest of disgusting creatures laying eggs on and sucking blood out of their scalps.  If the child of a manic mother has lice she will:

 a) try all homeopathic and organic solutions available

b) strip all bed linens from every bed in her house

c) bag all stuffed animals, hats, scarves and soft fabric toys

d) shampoo and nit pick child’s head every night for three days to one week

e) encase pillows in plastic before making the child’s bed with new linens

f) tell the child’s friends’ mothers that the child has lice and can’t sleep over

g) throw out all hair brushes and, if the child is a girl, hair accessories

h) find out that her efforts have failed

i) buy chemical pesticide to use on her child’s head

j) restrip the house

k) find out that the pesticide failed

l) allow the child to go on sleepovers

l) take the child to a hair dresser, without revealing the lice, to have a hair cut