The Definitive Guide to Manic Moms

Man'ic: adj. characterized by frenzy, uncontrolled by reason

Archive for April, 2009

Share Time

The significance of a kindergarden child’s share time to manic mothers cannot be overstated.  The best manic mothers create outlines for their children’s weekly “sharing” to make sure the narrative is politically correct, not too revelatory of in-your-face priviledge and genuinely substantive.  At the very least, a good mom keeps a folder of clippings, sketches and story ideas to share with their child two or three days before the share day, during the quiet time before reading for bed. In this way the child gets the impression that the idea is his or hers and then there are two or three days left for the mom to provide guidance on an accompanying illustration.


Symptom: Excessive Involvement in Charitable Causes

Good causes are of particular interest to manic mothers. Involvement in good causes outside of kids and work demonstrate to both the manic mother and the people around her that her life is balanced and that, in recognition of her relatively privledged place in the world (otherwise she wouldn’t have the time or education to be a genuinely manic mother), she can help others.  Supporting good causes also enables tthe good manic mother to set an example of altruism for her children.  An excellent example is the committee of SOCCS (Sisters of Owners of Canine Cancer Survivors) – check it out at It is a wonderful organization, dedicated to helping a little known group of women:  sisters of owners of canine cancer suvivors. The 16 person committee that founded the group includes four lawyers, two docters, three stay at home moms, three moms who are consultants to the heathcare, energy and media industries, a novelist and two experts in toxic asset management.  Between them they now have 48 children for whom a worthy good cause example has been set.

Symptom:Long-Term School Committee Management

Truly manic moms volunteer for school committees that leverage their sometimes extensive and awfully impressive work experience.  For example, a mother who served for three years as a commissioner for the FCC might be the Communications Chair for the annual school book fair.  This is ideal for her since she knows a lot about phones and stuff.  It is important that other manic moms draw on this deep pool of experience when assembling school committees.  The fact that no one gets paid for their work doesn’t matter. What matters is the recognition that prior work experience has immediate relevance and will ultimately benefit the children.

Symptom: Out-of-Scale Hatred of Lice

Despite the fact that all humans are at all times covered from head to toe by microscopic organisms (otherwise known as bugs) all good manic mothers will go to ANY lengths to eradicate lice since, even though everyone denies it, lice must mean that you are a BAD mother and that you are to blame if your child has a nest of disgusting creatures laying eggs on and sucking blood out of their scalps.  If the child of a manic mother has lice she will:

 a) try all homeopathic and organic solutions available

b) strip all bed linens from every bed in her house

c) bag all stuffed animals, hats, scarves and soft fabric toys

d) shampoo and nit pick child’s head every night for three days to one week

e) encase pillows in plastic before making the child’s bed with new linens

f) tell the child’s friends’ mothers that the child has lice and can’t sleep over

g) throw out all hair brushes and, if the child is a girl, hair accessories

h) find out that her efforts have failed

i) buy chemical pesticide to use on her child’s head

j) restrip the house

k) find out that the pesticide failed

l) allow the child to go on sleepovers

l) take the child to a hair dresser, without revealing the lice, to have a hair cut